healing scars

It's been several weeks since I've posted, and many times over those weeks I opened my laptop only to close it minutes later with empty words in my thoughts. Let me start by saying that today, our little N looks as healthy as I could have ever hoped. He laughs heartily, he runs and tumbles without fear, he eats and eats and eats, and best of all, he wakes up smiling, and goes to bed at night laughing with so many things to share about his day that I have to build in an extra 30 min chat period at bedtime. As I think about how far he has come in the past year now, there's no way I can describe the depth of gratitude and relief and utter joy that consumes me at random moments when I look at him. The normalcy of day to day life, something I found so monotonous at one point in my life, now brings color and excitement in my day. 

As for me, since I last posted, I have probably reached the most difficult and broken point of my life emotionally especially after realizing that emotional stress can manifest physically. Now I fully understand the importance of self care! Our bodies know before our minds do when we are emotionally unwell. And so it's been a process of dealing with my deeply buried emotional baggage in order to be healed physically. I'm in the process of healing those scars that I just didn't know were slowly being etched so deeply over the past few years, but the important part is that I'm getting so much better thanks to the love, support and wisdom of so many of you. No matter who you are, no matter how strong you are, no matter where you come from, there comes a time for each of us where we just can't do it alone anymore. That is the nature of the world we live in, and so my reliance on God has gone through so many phases in the past year especially. It was one of pleading, desperation, questioning, hope, gratitude, relinquishing control, and now a very raw understanding of what it really means to be prostrated on the floor and say, "You have me, God. I surrender." 

The only reason why I decided to share any of this is because I think it helps to know these things when trying to understand people around us in general. The person you see smiling could be doing so to hide the tears that just won't stop welling up. The person who keeps pushing you away could be doing so because she's falsely reassuring herself that she's strong enough to handle it all. The person who doesn't make sense at all might seem that way because she's afraid to share her entire story. 

I would not wish pain and suffering on any human being, but I will say that through it, I have a different perspective and a newfound understanding and sensitivity of people. Even though we are all smiling on the outside, we all carry our own burdens no matter how light or heavy they may be. And so when people do things that are puzzling to us, you have to stop and wonder what that person's story is that day. 

Now on the flip side, there are times when people puzzle us and there is simply no explanation. Case in point, my middle child, for whom there is no logic sometimes. Yesterday, he decided it would be a good idea to stamp his soapy butt imprint all over my glass shower door. So now when the shower steams up, all I see are his butt stamps. And it makes no sense to me how or why he would come up with that idea and make all that effort to execute it. I could honestly create a separate blog just about his shenanigans and I am certain he would deliver fresh material for me daily. 

I end today with this from a song called "Scars"-

"So I'm  thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars"

Time for my 30 min. bedside chat! 😁




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