Suddenly, a life not so plain

One of the morsels of joy about experiencing suffering is that I get to see firsthand how much goodness there is in humanity. So many of you have reached out with such deep desires to help in some way, offering encouraging and uplifting words, verses, prayers... But as time goes on, I understand that it can seem burdensome to text me. That it can seem like a bother to ask the same questions of us. And so I decided to start this blog for several reasons. One, it would be an easy way to keep everyone updated, and two, it serves as a form of therapy for me. A win for you and a win for me!

If you're here, then you already know that my sweet N has relapsed and that we confirmed over 4th of July week that his lymphoma is back. ALCL is extremely aggressive, so we were eager to start treatment immediately before it started to overtake his body. On July 12, just hours after wheeling him out of surgery for his catheter line placement in his chest, we started pumping chemo in. It was a long 3 weeks of adjusting for our family. Realization was setting in for both little brothers that Big Brother was really sick... again. The lymphatic pains N was experiencing were waning, but then came the onset of side effects from the medications. Nausea, vomiting, debilitating stomach pains from severe constipation onset by meds, anesthesia and lack of fluids. All of this felt like a constant tornado filled with anxiety, worry and worst of all - fear. So in my darkest moment of surrendering all sense of control, I prayed. I cried out with angry sobs, with tears of despair and I submitted completely to God. And relief washed over me. Because one by one, as my small but significant prayers were being answered, I understood that I did not have and never have had the power to save my son. That business is all in God's hands alone. And so that burden was lifted off my shoulders. God is in control and He will not abandon me and He will not abandon N in his hour of need.

This past Sunday, I was reminded through a sermon that my children are not mine. That they truly belong to God and that my job as their mother is to help them find their calling in life. Wow, how that message seemed directed right at me. It is not about pushing them to find their passion or to achieve greatness for their own glory, but it is about living a purposeful life fulfilling a calling. Like any parent, especially with their firstborn, I looked at N for the first time in my arms on the day he was born and all these dreams lit up in my head. I had such grand expectations about what I envisioned for this perfect little human in my arms. Through these trials, I have essentially been forced to wipe the slate of expectations clean. I know now that it is not about what I always wanted for him. It should have always been what God has in store for his life. God is reminding me that N is His. And because N is His, the possibilities for his future have no boundaries.

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